I’m starting to think that I’ve been single for too long. Last week someone asked me when was the last time I had been held. I had no clue. Apparently it was so long ago that I couldn’t remember who or when. The confused look on my face as I tried to count back the months (probably years), garnered a look of pity. Not one to need and/or want pity from anyone, I quickly changed the subject. But later it made me think about why it is that I’ve been keeping the boys at bay.
So many questions ran through my head. What am I looking for? What am I waiting for? What the f*ck is wrong with me? Am I too selfish, too picky? Definitely too prissy. But it’s not like I don’t meet decent guys. So what is it? Why am I still single? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want somebody. Nobody wants to be alone 24/7. Companionship is awesome. But commitment? Ugh…yeah, that sucks.
After some serious self-introspection, I realized I have a real problem with long-term commitment. During my trip down memory lane I noticed that I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted for more than a full calendar year. Sure, I’ve done the on-again off-again with more than a few beaus in the past, but not one single relationship has ever gone the long haul. Something is definitely wrong with me. In the past, I didn’t have a problem committing to one guy. Naively, I often prided myself as being “the best girlfriend”.
Time, heartbreak and unmet expectations caused me to put that “girlfriend” hat in the back of my closet. I can remember telling my ex that if we didn’t work out, then I was giving up. I guess I wasn’t lying. Since then, I’ve put in zero effort to keep a man interested in me for longer than three months at a time. I’ve refused to let myself get lost in the moment or captivated by a man.
I’m a controlled, emotionless, robot.
But robots need love too. So what am I supposed to do? Falling in love is not an option. Hell, a strong form of like isn’t an option. I just need a solution that will give me exactly what I want. And what I want is the best of both worlds, the comfort of a companion and the freedom of being single. What’s the point in having cake if you’re not going to eat it?
The most plausible answer I could muster is to try an open relationship. I’m sure this may sounds nuts, as my gal pals have told me, but it just might work. Ideally, I’d have a guy to spend lonely nights with, but still maintain my freedom to date, flirt, and go on living single. I’m not a total bitch, so the same rules apply for the guy. There’d be no double standards and no jealousy.
Is it impossible? Nope. Easy? Not at all. But if it worked for Will & Jada, it’s gotta work for somebody else too, right? I’m still clueless. I could be using this blog to talk more shit than ever. I’ve recognized my flaws, and am trying to make real, albeit unconventional steps to deal with them. But there’s some hurdles I’ll have to complete in order to get exactly what I want.
The biggest challenge is finding a guy that’s willing to go for it. Even though my recent dating experiences have been casual, some guys can still get uber possessive. #buzzkill They might talk a big game, but most dudes are not about that life. I try to be upfront & honest when stating my intentions, and if I get the feeling a new guy is too emo, he gets dismissed quickly. I’m not looking for a lopsided relationship, I’d prefer that we equally not give a fuck. I’d only end up feeling guilty if I knowingly led someone on.
Keep Calm & follow the rules.
A huge turnoff is for me is to have a man who acts like a possessive douche. Conversely, the moment I start to feel a twinge of jealousy, it’s time to show myself to the door. Jealousy is ugly and doesn’t belong in any relationship. In my eyes, it’s a sign of insecurity, weakness and it shouldn’t be tolerated. Jealousy is the opposite of everything that’s cool about relationships. It starts out small but can quickly grow into a destructive virus that ruins everything and steals your joy. The only way to successfully not give a fuck & retain contentment, is to completely remove jealousy from the equation.
Some people think I’m setting myself up to be swept off my feet. I grow incredibly tired of hearing that bullshit. Can you imagine how many times I’ve heard, “You find love when you want it least”. Spare me. I don’t want it at all, I’m happy with the way my life works. I’m not accountable or obligated to one person, and that’s liberating. I value my singleness as a precious gift. It’s something that I think a lot of people wish for, but can’t have. I refuse to be the kind person who has a mid-life crisis and does outlandish things at an inappropriate age. All because they traded their singleness for security.
Am I asking for too much? No. Will I want this kind of relationship for the rest of my life? Not sure. What I can say is this what I want for the foreseeable future. Can I find a man that’s good on paper; and like me, is a little dead inside? No clue. But I sure hope so. Regardless I think I’m gonna have a lot of adventures in trying.